How Hiei Stole Christmas
by All names r taken
Summary: Do I really need to say anything? Umm, OK, it's funny, it has a good moral, and Kuwabara's been reborn as a halfway likable being.


a/n-Hi! Here's my Christmas contribution to the fanfiction pot! Now without futher adu, may I present, in stunningly overused parody,

How Hiei Stole Christmas

"Hn. Stupid Who's," remarked Hiei to his talking pet dog, Kuwabara. Kuwabara gave his incredibly vague master a curious look and said,

"Who's stupid?"

"Exactly."

"No, who is stupid?"

"Yes."

"No! Who are you calling stupid?!?"

"The Who's, baka! Those demented little creatures that run around the city at the bottom of our mountain all year singing carols and hanging wreaths and wrapping presents and all that nonsense and generally disturbing the peace to no end!"

"Oooooohhhhh. ...So who's stupid again?"

"Uugh!" Hiei stomped back into the cave and grabbed a soda, obviously disturbed that such an idiotic creature possessed the gift of speech.

Kuwabara trotted after him wagging his tail. He was used to his master's short temper and lack of patience. Actually, he was lucky Hiei hadn't kicked him down the mountain this time. He brought Hiei his teddy dragon to apologize for his insolence, then picked up his food bowl and begged at the short demon with his most longing eyes.

"Darn, I hate it when you use the share toy/sad eyes combo!" lamented Hiei as he made his way to the cupboard. He opened up the icebox and slapped some leftovers in Kuwabara's bowl. As the mutt chomped gratefully, his master plopped down in the recliner and flipped on the T.V.

"Ugh, Christmas specials, holiday sales commercials, there's nothing on! ...Wait a minute! If the Who's don't have all this Christmas stuff that's advertised, they can't have Christmas! I know what I'll do; I'll steal Christmas!"

"If who doesn't have-"

"Just shut up and follow me!"

And with that, the diabolical demon set about concocting his plan.

"I gotta be fat, gotta be fat... I know, I'll eat lots lots of junk food and sit around all day! No, that won't work, I'll never lose the weight..."

"Why don't you just stuff a pillow up your shirt?" inquired his baffled canine.

"...I know, I'll just stuff a pillow up my shirt!" came the triumphant reply. "And I'll wear this old Santa outfit I found at the dump!" he added, waving around a grody old hat and red suit with black boots. "A little work and the 'Stang'll look just like a sleigh!" cackled Hiei, bordering on a raving lunatic at this point.

Kuwabara pleaded, "But, you love the 'Stang!"

"Doesn't matter, I'll restore it later!"

"O.K., but what's the point of dressing up like Santa Claus anyway?"

"More fun this way!"

"But, if you're Santa Claus, and you've got a sleigh, where's your reindeer?"

"..." Hiei grinned evilly and hatched a scheme.

Kuwabara grimaced pathetically, "Me and my big mouth!"

Hiei had sawed the antlers off his hunting trophy and was tying them onto the head of the poor unfortunate animal.

"Now, to wait for Christmas!" proclaimed the crazed fire youkai.

Late at night on Christmas Eve...

"O.K., now we zoom down the mountain and steal Christmas!" Hiei announced as he tied his lummox of a dog to the make-shift "sleigh."

Upon reaching Whoville, which was no mean feat and involved many bruises and blisters(primarily on Kuwabara's side), Hiei began to shove trees, presents, lights, ornaments, wreaths, garlands, stockings, toys, presents, candy, food, etc. into an enormous sack while an annoying song sung by a man with an unnaturally deep voice was to be heard in the background. That is, until our favorite antagonist found the singer, identified him as Ol' Man Jonson, the town drunk, and konked him on the nogin only after stuffing a sake-soaked sock in his mouth, much to the delight of Ol' Man Jonson.

As Hiei robbed and vandalized the last house on his hit list, he was startled by little Yukina-Lou Who, who was no more than two(hundred). She stood there wide-eyed and gaping. The shocked little Who murmured,

"Why are you stealing our Christmas tree?"

"Hey, I gotta have a Christmas, too. You really think I have the time to get a Christmas tree when I gotta get presents for every single stinkin' one of you snot-nosed brats?!?"

Yuki-Lou-chan reasoned, "I guess that makes sense, just bring it back when your done with it, O.K.?"

An exasperated Hie answered, "Sure, yeah, fine, whatever, just get your butt back in bed already!"

And with that, the adorable little Koori- I mean Who, went back to dreaming about sugarplums and stuff.

Soon, our hero(hero?) had taken every bit of Christmas cheer or related items from Whoville and hauled them all away to the summet of Mt. Hiei(no, really, there is a Mt. Hiei in Japan, and it sounds better than Crumpet, right?).

"Ha! Now let's see those bakas have a 'very merry Christmas'!"

But to his dismay, the Who's awoke from their slumber and began to sing songs as if nothing was missing at all.

"But, I don't understand," mumbled a puzzled Hiei. "How can they be happy; I stole Christmas. I STOLE Christmas!" he cried in disbelief. Then it dawned on him, "Maybe you can't steal Christmas. Maybe Christmas is a state of mind, joy and generosity, friends and family, singing and dancing, celebrating the reason for the season."

And suddenly, the Christmas Spirit filled him up. "I'm going to sing with them. Forget all this junk, it doesn't matter. Just let it fall."

"But Hiei-"

"But nothing! Don't you see? I was wrong! There's so much more to Christmas! Now come on!"

"I can't!"

"Yes, you can!"

"No, I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I'm all tangled up in the garland and the sleigh's slipping!"

Quickly, our storie's new protagonist transformed into his demon form(which looks ironically like Santa's elf), pulled the sleigh up and over the hill, and slid down to Whoville. Upon reaching the bottom, they hit a bump which caused the sack to burst open, raining Christmas accessories on the whole town and consequently dislodging Kuwabara from his garlandy prison.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of recollecting lost presents, stockings, food, etc., little Yuki-Lou Who produced a gift box for Hiei and one for Kuwabara.

Kuwabara eagerly bit through the paper while his master stood staring at his gift. The dog's package proved to contain a stuffed kitten, a squeaky chew toy, and a blue collar with a bone tag that had his name engraved on it.

As the girl fitted the collar onto the neck of the ecstatic dog, Hiei unwrapped his gift to find a new cloak and silver ward with his name embroidered in black(which he quickly changed into), and a porcelain Koorime doll, complete with a silk kimono, paper folding fan, and a tiny Hiruseki stone.

Yukina-Lou simply said, "Thank you for returning our Christmas tree."

Hiei answered bewilderedly, "But you've never given us gifts before!"

"We've always had gifts for you; you only needed to take them."

The Lord looked down upon the scene with pleasure, "How kind of them to help Me celebrate My Son's birthday."

a/n-Please review and have a nice day! Jesus saves!

Kuwabaka-Now will you change me back?

A/n-No, I think I like you better this way. Go fetch!

K-Must...resist...canine...urges! Oh, what the heck! Arf!

Hiei-Hn. Baka.

_ May the Glory of God almighty be with you this Christmas season._


End file.
